Notes On…Getting Better at Feeling

We live in a culture obsessed with feeling better. I see it in my clients, and yes, I will raise my hand at this because I see it in myself as well. From wellness trends to TikTok mantras, the message is clear: numb it, fix it, make it go away. But what if healing isn’t about feeling better? What if it’s about getting better at feeling?

To feel better is often a request for escape. That’s valid; pain hurts. We want the anxiety to lift, the grief to pass, the discomfort to stop. But getting better at feeling asks something else. It invites us to stay, to listen, and to shift our relationship with emotion, rather than trying to outrun it. It means greeting sadness without labeling it weakness, allowing anger without shame, and letting fear speak without shutting it down. It’s the capacity to sit with a feeling long enough to understand what it’s trying to say. That’s not control. That’s presence.

In therapy, this shift often happens quietly. A client may begin by saying, “I just want to feel better,” and of course, we honor that. But as the work deepens, the goal tends to evolve. The pain doesn’t disappear, but the person changes. They gain range. They stop fearing their feelings and start responding to them. Not a life without sadness, but a life where sadness doesn’t undo them. Not a life without fear, but one where fear becomes something they can carry.

Getting better at feeling is at the heart of every evidence-based approach we find in psychotherapy. In DBT, it’s distress tolerance. In ACT, it’s acceptance. In psychodynamic therapy, it’s affect attunement and meaning-making. In somatic work, it’s learning to stay with sensation and build safety inside the body. None of these paths are about avoidance. They’re about staying in contact with what’s real.

And you know what? In many ways, we need both. But when relief becomes the only goal, we risk bypassing the wisdom our emotions carry. Anxiety may have something to teach us. Grief may be reminding us what mattered. Even despair, when held with care, can bring clarity.

Our world is fast-paced, valuing speed and surface, so learning to feel deeply is a radical act. But it’s also a liberating one. Because healing isn’t about rising above your life, it’s about being more fully in it.

That’s the kind of better worth aiming for.