Notes On… Anticipatory Grief

Anticipatory grief is the grief that arrives early.
Before the death.
Before the diagnosis takes its final toll.
Before the goodbye becomes real.

It is the lump in your throat for a memory that has not yet happened.
The guilt of crying while the person is still alive.
The quiet dread beneath everyday moments. You wonder, how much longer will this last?

Clients say:
I feel like I’m grieving, but no one has died yet.
I’m crying at the dinner table and I don’t know why.
Is something wrong with me for already feeling this sad?

No. Nothing is wrong.
Anticipatory grief is not a problem. It is a process.

Psychologists like Therese Rando and Elisabeth Kübler-Ross have long validated this experience.
It is real, measurable, and deeply human.
Research shows it can ease the shock of loss when it comes.
It gives the psyche space to reflect, prepare, and begin to release.

It is confusing because it is not clean.
It can live alongside hope, caregiving, and guilt.
You may laugh with someone in one moment and quietly mourn them in the next.

Still, it is healthy.
Because grief is not only about death.
It is about change.
It is about the felt sense that something is slipping away.

Anticipatory grief can appear when memory begins to fade.
When a relationship starts to end.
When a parent’s identity shifts due to dementia.
When a chapter closes and your heart already knows.

It helps us say goodbye slowly and with love.
It brings gratitude into sharper focus.
It invites meaning while the connection is still alive.

And yes, it prepares the heart for what will follow.
It means you are loving with awareness.

So if you find yourself weeping at a touch, holding your breath during a pause, or imagining life without their voice, know this.

You are not broken.
You are grieving in advance.
And that is wise.
That is loving.
That is deeply human.