Notes On… Chemistry vs. Compatibility
We’re taught to chase chemistry. The rush, the spark, the thrill that makes everything else fade. It feels cinematic! That charged glance, the laugh that lingers, the way your whole body lights up. In many ways, chemistry is a high. But it often comes from something older than we realize. The body remembers patterns before the mind catches up. And sometimes what we call fate is just repetition. Now, compatibility doesn’t arrive like that. It’s quiet. Steady. At first, it might feel boring. It doesn’t flood your nervous system. It lets you relax. It’s someone who texts back, who listens, who shows up. Not once, but over and over. It’s about values that show up in their actions, not just their words. Chemistry makes you want to touch someone. Compatibility makes you want to stay.
I’ve gotten this wrong more than once. I’ve mistaken anxiety for desire, nervousness for love. I remember a date that left me buzzing all night. Couldn’t sleep. Couldn’t think straight. It felt like magic. But I couldn’t tell you if I felt safe. I couldn’t even remember most of what we talked about. I just felt…pulled. Familiar. Which, looking back, should have told me something.
In therapy, clients will say, “I just felt something.” And we pause there. What exactly did you feel? Sometimes what we call excitement is the body preparing for chaos. If you’ve lived with inconsistency, with trauma, with relationships where love came and went, then intensity feels like home. Even when it’s not good for you. That’s the trick. We don’t always fall for what’s healthy. We fall for what we know.
So since compatibility shows up in the quiet, how do we spot it? Notice how a date speaks to the server when you’re at a restaurant. Whether they ask questions or wait for their turn to speak. It’s how they respond when you name something vulnerable. It’s not always thrilling, but it’s steady. It builds safety. It builds trust.
So in the room, I don’t ask people if they felt sparks. I ask, Did you feel calm? Did you feel like yourself? Could you rest around them? Chemistry might pull you into a moment. Compatibility makes you want to stay through the hard ones. And yes, both matter. But we live in a world that glorifies the spark and forgets the foundation. Chemistry feels like falling. Compatibility feels like landing.
