Notes On…DBT & Me
Life doesn’t ask for our permission before it changes.
A phone call, a breakup, a silence that hits differently, emotion floods in before thought can catch up. And in those moments, what matters most isn’t whether we feel too much. It’s whether we know what to do with what we feel. Emotional regulation is not about control. It’s not about ignoring emotions, pushing them down, or pretending we’re fine. It’s the skill of staying present, even when our nervous system is sounding the alarm. It’s what allows us to move through intense moments without abandoning ourselves.
Dialectical Behavior Therapy, developed by Dr. Marsha M. Linehan, offers one of the clearest approaches to emotional regulation. It doesn’t frame emotions as problems to fix, but as messengers to listen to. The central philosophy of DBT is both simple and radical: we can accept ourselves fully as we are, and still work toward meaningful change. Acceptance and change aren’t opposites. They are the tension we learn to hold.
That work begins with mindfulness. Mindfulness invites us to slow down and notice what’s happening inside us, without rushing to react. It’s the practice of naming what we feel —sadness, fear, anger, shame —without needing to solve it in that moment. That pause creates space. And in that space, new choices become possible.
When emotions become too intense, distress tolerance skills offer grounding. These are simple tools that help us survive the moment without making things worse, like holding ice, splashing cold water, taking deep breaths, and repeating a grounding phrase. They are not solutions. They are life rafts that carry us through until the emotion passes, which it always does.
Then there’s opposite action. If sadness pulls us to isolate, we try reaching out. If fear urges us to avoid, we take one small step forward. If anger demands retaliation, we take a breath and soften. Opposite action isn’t about denying what we feel. It’s about interrupting the pattern, gently nudging the nervous system toward safety.
Emotional regulation isn’t a finish line. It’s a practice. A way of building trust with yourself over time. The goal isn’t to stop feeling. The goal is to stop drowning. To learn that you can ride the waves without losing your center. That you can feel deeply and still stay afloat.
