Notes On…Uninvited Waves

Distress can crash into our lives without warning. It grips the body, clouds the mind, and leaves us feeling desperate for relief. As a therapist, I see this often. But distress doesn’t have to control you. With the right tools, it’s possible to ride the wave instead of getting pulled under.

We’ve all heard of fight-or-flight, the brain’s instinctive reaction to danger. But in moments of emotional distress, these responses often backfire. We act impulsively, say things we regret, or shut down completely. Distress tolerance is the ability to remain calm and composed during emotional storms. It’s not about feeling better right away-it’s about not making things worse.

So what helps in those moments?

• Distraction offers a brief mental break. Watch a show, call a friend, or step outside. Giving the brain space can prevent reactive decisions.

• Self-soothing uses the senses to anchor you. A warm blanket, music, or a calming scent can remind the nervous system that it’s safe.

• Improve the moment by visualizing a peaceful place, breathing deeply, or finding one small thing to appreciate, even during difficulty.

• Pros and cons help you pause. Ask: “If I act on this feeling, what will it cost me?” That moment of reflection can change everything.

And then there’s radical acceptance, acknowledging what you cannot change. Acceptance doesn’t mean approval. It means releasing resistance so you can stop fighting reality and start caring for yourself within it.

These skills take practice. Start small, before the storm hits. Build your emotional muscle memory. And don’t do it alone. Therapy, support groups, and trusted connections can make the work feel less isolating.

You are not your distress.
You are the one learning how to ride its waves.
Over time, these tools become not just ways to survive, but ways to grow.